China So Good |
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By: Timothy Sutfin Country: China |
| For many of us intimately involved in the adoption process, we have long known that the China adoption program is excellent. Regrettably, at times, China is overlooked because the length of time is longer than many other programs. When considering an international adoption program, despite the length of time, put China high on your list. There are programs that are faster, or place younger children, or are more chic, but few are better than China. China routinely places healthy children. The medical evaluations are excellent. The adoption process is consistent and fair. In considering a program, time, cost, gender preference and age of the child give little indication as to the overall quality of the program. So, what makes for a quality program? Although the list could be longer, there are three elements to a good program: legitimacy, consistency, and health of the children placed.
A base necessity for any international adoption program is legitimacy. Legitimacy of the process can mean many things, but it starts with the child to be adopted legally being an orphan. Any concerns that the child is not an orphan challenges the fundamental legitimacy of international adoption. Countries must have a developed legal structure for the acceptance of a surrender or the termination of parental rights, or the declaration of abandonment. Furthermore, the process must be verifiable so that Immigration and Naturalization Services can confirm the child is an orphan. (INS will soon become the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services or BCIS.) For international adoption purposes, INS legally determines a child’s orphan status. Just as INS approves a family for an international adoption with the I-171H, it approves the child for adoption in declaring orphan status. One very important element of orphan status is the assurance that the country’s laws on relinquishing parental rights have been followed. Without an organized political structure to enforce the laws relating to the relinquishment of parental rights, orphan status might not be met. When adopting through China, orphan status is always obtained. The laws on relinquishing a child are followed and the process is verifiable. Orphan status for children from China is simply not an issue. The next element needed in a quality program is its consistency. How the adoption process is administered in China creates a wonderfully consistent and predictable program. Some inconsistencies can be expected in an international adoption. However, the level of consistency varies from country to country due to how the adoption process is administered. Inconsistencies in the adoption process are less common in China due to how it administers the adoption process. Most other programs allow for the administration of adoptions to be done at the provincial or local level. Inconsistencies can often be caused by changes in local practices and personnel. In China, all international adoptions come through the China Center of Adoption Affairs. Since the adoption process is managed from one central bureaucracy, local idiosyncrasies do not happen. If there is a change in procedure, it is posted on the internet for everyone to see. There are rarely last minute alterations in the process or unforeseen events. Trips go smoothly and the itinerary is routinely kept. In the China Program the adoption process unfolds the same time and again. The administration of the China program separates China from most of the other countries doing international adoption. There are many good programs out there, but for consistency and legitimacy, China has few equals. The final element for a quality program, health of the child, is difficult to measure let alone to differentiate between various programs. In fact, the vast majority of all children placed internationally do not have health problems. But, health concerns should not be disregarded. Our best indications about the health of the children placed are the care the child receives and the information available. For adoption purposes, we consider a “healthy child” to be free of medical conditions such as to expect no long-term medical problems. As such, the country must have the ability to identify medical conditions prior to placement. This is what separates different programs. Some medical problems are undetectable. These are to be forgiven. But if a medical problem is discoverable, as an adoptive parent, you want the child’s doctor to have discovered it. A child’s medical that is complete and detailed is comforting in that if detectable conditions exist they were likely to have been discovered. The medical information on children from China is excellent and more than sufficient to make a determination as to the health of the child. The medical information given to prospective parents at the assignment is detailed and accurate. It contains growth measurements at multiple points in time. Heart, lungs, liver, spine, stomach, throat, ears, nose, vision have all been tested. A blood test is given and the results are presented, including hepatitis and HIV. If a physical problem is indicated, there will be additional medical information given that is acceptable by most medical professionals in the field. China is responsive to requests for supplemental medical information. In short, if there is detectable physical problem with a orphan child in China, it is likely to be detected. The second element to a child’s health is emotional health. It is very difficult to gauge, identify or predict emotional health problems. As with medical issues, identifying problems prior to placement is important. In addition, the quality of childcare is important. The cause of any emotional difficulties should not be substandard care while in the orphanage. In China, we know that some children are cared for in foster care where a nurturing emotional environment will be present. In addition, the quality of care given at the orphanages appears to be very high as well. Along with the medical information, there is a developmental summary including fine and gross motor skills and developmental milestones. The child’s eating and sleeping routines are given as well as a narrative of how the child is doing at the orphanage or in foster care. As an agency, we rarely see placements from China having long-term difficulties due to the child’s emotional well-being. There are normal adjustment issues, but other problems do not present themselves in significant numbers or as a pattern of concern. Quality medical information and childcare is present in China because there is a high level of political organization and administration. Programs that are disorganized or poorly administered are ones where difficulties are always lurking to sabotage the adoption process. In approaching international adoption not all programs are created equally. China is an excellent program, but it still might not be suitable for you. There are so many good programs available and there is certainly one right for you. In your decision of which program to adopt through, include the above elements in your consideration. Legitimacy, consistency and quality medical information are important factors and when they are present, you have greatly increased the likelihood that the adoption process will be a rewarding experience. |
Becoming My Father |
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By: Timothy Sutfin |
| I would like to share with our families a little story about me becoming my father. Our adopted parents will not have passed to their children their DNA, but they will have passed something more important, their values. Long ago, I reconciled the fact that a quick glimpse in the mirror, I would, just for a moment, see my father’s image. Now that I am a parent, I see in me his values and sensitivities. These are cultural traits that have nothing to do with heredity. I also see something that I had hoped I wouldn’t.
This summer has been extremely hot. After taking the train, then the hot car ride home at the end of the day, I need to get into more comfortable cloths immediately upon arrival. Since it was a Tuesday night with no plans to leave the confines of my home, I put on a old pair of plaid shorts that looked stylish in the late eighties. My son, Matthew, is excited about me being home and is asking me to play. So in my plaid shorts, I leave my t-shirt and dress socks on and go. My father, though a very good man, never played with the children. The world he grew up in did not condone a man playing with his or any child. Once I became a father, I knew that I would do this differently. Play eventually took us outside. Once outside, the game is to water the flowers. I would like my son to take on more of the responsibilities of managing the home. Watering the flowers is the target responsibility for the summer. Matthew likes to work the hose, and, at times, some water does land on our marigolds. But, after a few minutes, the heat discourages him and he is heading back inside to leave the watering to me. This day it is ok. I don’t like to see the water wasted and it was too hot for him anyway. My father, raised in the depression, never tolerated wasting anything. At times, I thought he was unreasonable on this point. Now I have come to respect the virtue of frugality. My approach toward my son is just more gentle. I can’t afford the luxury of hiring a landscaper to tend my lawn. Even if it did, I would probably still mow it myself. My father taught me the satisfaction of physical work and the pride in having done a job well. He also felt, as do I, that you do not pay someone to take on your responsibility that you could do yourself. So now that the flowers were tended, I took the opportunity to quickly mow the yard. My father passed to me his values and ethics. Some of these I have embraced; others I have improved upon. I will, in turn, pass my values to my son. However, there are some facets of fatherhood that are more universal. While mowing the lawn, I caught an image of myself in a window. There I was with my v-neck t-shirt, plaid shorts, black socks and shoes, behind a mower, and, at this moment, I realized I have become my father. |
Commitment Lasts a Lifetime |
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By: Barbara Graffeo |
| What does Commitment mean? The dictionary says “The act or process of entrusting or consigning an engagement or pledge to do something; the act of doing.”
What does Commitment mean in particular to the act of adoption? Number 1 - It means that we have hopefully put a lot of thought into our decision to adopt. We have looked at our motivations and options. For some the decision to adopt is much easier than others, however, the more thought and time spent investigating the meaning of this decision, the better! With this final decision to go ahead, we have made the first part of our Commitment but in fact, if we have not done this before, perhaps it is impossible to understand the scope of this LIFETIME COMMITMENT. Number 2 - We begin the actual adoption process. Ideally, we will deal with an agency or source that will do its best to prepare us for what is ahead. Hopefully, we will be introduced to other families who have adopted and ideally again with parents who have years of experience and have raised adopted children so we will hear more than “how wonderful an experience this is”. We are not saying it isn’t wonderful, but there is the reality of dealing with the “special” concerns of raising adopted children. Again, maybe it is impossible to take all of the information and process it at such an early time in our experience. Number 3 - We receive a photo or information on “our child”. We then begin to bond and attach before even seeing this child in person. In particular, those who adopt older children must keep in mind that this child is not being born into your family. They have existed and lived, loved, been happy, sad, etc. with other people, perhaps their birth family. With the photo comes a glimpse at the reality just as that rush of shopping for equipment, clothes, toys and so on tells us we really will be parents soon. Number 4 - That child arrives! The reality of parenting hits with bottles, lack of sleep and, that overwhelming feeling of pride and happiness in “our child”. We think briefly once in awhile about where our child was as we see some cute behavior patterns, or not-so-cute behavior patterns. Our older child may show strong signs of separation and loss through temper tantrums brought on by inner frustration and anger or by uncontrolled episodes of sobbing. Perhaps though, your older child doesn’t show any of these signs, just adjusts beautifully and we instantly believe our child will never have any problems. All in all the everyday life tasks take over and we fall head over heals in love and forget any of the material we have listened to. Number 5 - Our first experience, which is specifically adoption related - maybe we get our first question, “Was I born from your tummy?” A sort of sinking panic sets in for the minute and then we dig deep to remember what we were told about answering these sorts of questions. The problems begin if and when kids don’t ask questions or tell us some of their feelings about adoption and we’ve assumed they didn’t have any. They exist! They are always there. Sometimes a particular event may trigger the uncovering of these feelings. In general most adopted children do not share their deepest and most important thoughts with their adoptive parents. They don’t want to cause difficulties or sadness for anyone including themselves. Many children struggle for years to resolve their feelings and questions and some never do. During these growing years the original COMMITMENT we made becomes even more important. WE cannot shelve the long-term commitment thinking all is going well. We must ask questions, offer answers, help these kids to be exposed to others of their same background heritage, culture, adoption…It takes time and effort which many of us don’t have much left of after the normal hectic day. We see too many cases of kids whose parents have unknowingly sent messages to their adopted child saying “you are one of us and it doesn’t matter who or where you came from.” This drives our children away from us, the very opposite of what we thought we were doing! Re-think your COMMITMENT now and realize you should have been well aware of what it entailed. This child is “yours” and therefore, you owe him or her all the effort you can muster up and more to help them deal with and accept that they are “yours” but….they are “themselves” and are made up of all the parts of their lives that made them who they are. One of the easiest ways to keep up your Commitment is to take advantage of all of the programs available to you and your children through parent groups, this agency, workshops and literature. These are not programs thought up on the spur of the moment. They are the results of experience, knowledge of current needs and evolving needs. Don’t put your COMMITMENT aside! Instead look at it as a challenge and meet that challenge head on. |
Adopting - Fantasy or Reality |
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By: Joan Worden - Nebraska Adoption Worker |
| You’ve decided to adopt, the paper work is completed, you have signed acceptance papers and your new child’s referral picture is never out of your sight. It is then you need to ask yourself, “What is this child really like?”
Each of us has a picture in our mind’s eye of our child, our fantasy child. A fantasy child is perfect in every way and perfect in accordance with our own definition of the word. She is the chubby faced dark-haired little doll surrounded in pink lace or he is the beautiful round faced little boy who will grow up to be the world’s greatest soccer player. Fantasy children never cry, never have milk allergies, diarrhea, colds or ear infections. They always conform, never throw tantrums and most importantly, they want to love us as we want to love them. A perfect fantasy child is an enlarged referral picture framed and hanging above the mantel on the fireplace. Unfortunately, fantasy children do not exist, and real children very often come with what is termed “real baggage”. Reality baggage exists in many forms. It can be as simple as a child’s likes and dislikes and mannerisms, or it can be fearful memories that can cause the child much distress. Reality baggage is psychological; anger, fear and anxiety or physical; chronic ear infections, milk allergies and intestinal difficulties. When parents expect a fantasy child, and a real child with much “baggage” arrives, problems are inevitable. Parents expect that the child will adjust within a few days or weeks, will respond to their love and will immediately love them back. However, sometimes children don’t adjust quickly. Children very often are confused, angry and frustrated. Everything in their lives has changed. Food and water taste different and things smell different. The sense of touch is different and the person whom they have come to love and trust is gone. The child has little control over the situation in which he finds himself. Children (yes, even very young babies), therefore, become angry, frustrated and sad. They cry, grieve and manipulate their environment in any way they can. They can bring adoptive parents to the point of exhaustion and can upset an entire household for months. Parents begin to questions their parenting ability. Their problems are compounded when they read stories about other adoptive children and parents who “never had a problem” and who “lived happily every after”. Adoptive parents begin thinking “What’s wrong with me?” Along with those doubts, quiet anger bubbles up to cause frustration. They begin stifling their thoughts like, “I don’t like this child very much”, “how much longer can I take this?”, “Why did we adopt anyway?”, “Why did the agency give me a child like this, I (we) got cheated”. It’s at this point that parents need to blame the “baggage” and not the child. They need to see their child much like they might see any other person who came as a guest and ended up staying. Their child is a person with unique personality traits, physical and emotional limitations and a strong “survival” will. He is a person who they as parents will like, accept and later love in spite or because of the “baggage”. Parents need to know that their feelings are normal and that it is “okay” not to bond to a child immediately. Real parents love real children in a realistic length of time. Fantastically unrealistic parents bond to fantasy children immediately. Somewhere between success and failure, liking and disliking, acceptance and non-acceptance, your child lives. He lives independent of you and yet is completely dependent on you. He is his “own person” and yet he is, needs to be and wants to be a part of you and your family. He is the child that will grow up to be the one that challenged you the most and yet gave you the greatest sense of pride and success in yourself and in him. |
Do You Think of Me Too? |
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By: Deborah S. Ratner, CSW |
| While our adopted children come from a variety of places and backgrounds, they all seem to pose the same vexing questions. As a social worker, I have had the pleasure of coordinating support groups for adopted children of all ages and backgrounds. The groups provide adopted children with the opportunity to meet kindred souls – other children who ask themselves the same questions and confront the same emotions. They share feelings about adoption with surprising candor, youthful wisdom and great insight.
The emotions of adopted children cut across class distinction – race, creed, color or national origin. For these children, birthparents hold a special place in their hearts characterized by conflicting feelings of connection, disconnection and rejection. Many are saddened by the fact that they do not know, and will likely never know their birthparents. Others are confused or angry about why the parents who brought them into this world would ever make an adoption plan for them. Even though they have never truly known each other, in their minds they invariably forge relationships with their birthparents. As youngsters, they wonder if their birthparents are safe, or in good health. As they grow, many children are frustrated by the lack of available information. Others wonder about what will happen when they are old enough to search for their birthparents. For many, the feelings are painfully private and difficult to share with their adoptive parents. While the questions and feelings may be similar, the outward expressions of those emotions are as unique as the children themselves. Some children express feelings openly while others deny a need to discuss them outwardly. The best efforts on the part of well meaning adoptive parents notwithstanding, the relationship between a young adoptive child and the birthparent he or she has never met may invariably be defined by the limits of the child’s imagination. While one child may place his birthmother on an emotional pedestal, another may condemn his birthparents for placing him or her for adoption. One may imagine his birthmother to be homeless, while another may picture her living an extravagant life of a wealthy heiress. Others wonder whether they have siblings, what they look like and whether they were placed for adoption as well. Adoptive parents can help minimize this emotional trauma attendant to this thought process by providing as much support and information as possible. Nonetheless, support groups teach us that adopted children continue to ponder the lives and fate of those who brought them into this world even as they mature. They wonder whether the birthparents are living or deceased. Whether they are rich or poor. They wonder what sorts of hobbies they enjoy, what kind of students they were or what they do for a living. They wonder which traits they share with them. Once again, the questions are limited only by the bounds of the child’s imagination. Despite the love and support adoptive parents may offer, there will inevitably be more questions than answers and the adopted child bears, as part of his history, an undeniable loss. He or she will continue to yearn for information and his status as the child of unknown birthparents will inevitably play a role in the formation of a personal identity. The adopted child will confront issues externally as well as internally. At some point they will inevitably be confronted with questions from others about their adoption and will have to determine whether and how to answer those questions. They will have to decide to whom they may turn for help, when the questions become difficult or offensive. The support group allows for discussion about who to go to, when to go and how best to deal with situations such as these. There are two questions which all adopted children seemingly raise: (1) whether other adopted kids feel as they do and (2) whether they will hurt their adoptive parents if they discuss these thoughts with them. Even with the world of love and support adoptive parents may provide, the issues of loss may quietly weigh on a child’s spirit. Others are troubled by sadness, anger or an overwhelming need to know whether their birthparents remember them, think of them or miss them. I have worked in the field of adoption, covering all aspects of adoption, for the better part of fifteen years. What I have learned is that the most sensitive and effective adoptive parents are those who are pro-active and take their role as adoptive parents seriously. They foster communication with their children and search out others confronting the same challenges, whether it is for them or for their children. Through the auspices of a professionally run support group, adopted children can help each other search for answers, forge their unique identities or simply provide a place for these kindred souls to empathize. |
Moving From Infertility to Adoption |
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By: Tom Gorman |
| Obviously, with any infertility there is a significant sense of loss. Maureen and I very much hoped to start a family not long after we were married. Nearly five years later, that still had not happened, and waiting had been hard. When we first learned of our infertility, I experienced feelings of deep sadness, as well as anger and resentment. In addition, since we have male-factor infertility, I felt a sense of inadequacy and even humiliation at my inability to father a child.
None of this was easy to overcome. First, as much as we wanted to react by simply looking to “fix” the situation, I knew deep down that this was not a “fixable” problem. Infertility is much like the death of a loved one – you must come to terms with it and accept it. So we decided to take some time before we jumped into trying alternatives for starting a family. Maureen and I dealt with the infertility by turning to one another and making a conscious effort to explain our thought and feelings to each other – and to listen patiently to one another. We weren’t always successful, but over time we were able to work through our sadness and sense of loss. I feel that this approach made our marriage much stronger as well. After we attempted IVF, my feelings of sadness and loss resurfaced and, again, Maureen and I took our time dealing with them before we moved on to adoption. The sense of loss will never totally be gone, but I feel it’s in perspective now, and I am ready to adopt, not as a fix to our infertility, but because adoption is a joyful and life changing event in it’s own right. I know Maureen has experienced much of the same feelings of loss and sadness that I have, but I think she was able to move on and look to adoption as a positive alternative because of her great experience having an adopted brother. Like me, seeing loved ones in our lives celebrate the birth of a child is a bittersweet thing, and always will be. But we’re very ready to have our own family through adoption. Deciding to adopt was a decision Maureen and I have not come to lightly. We have struggled over the years deciding whether to pursue additional medical treatments. We even forced ourselves to seriously consider life without children to know whether that was really an option for us. In the end, we have concluded that adoption is the path for us. |
The Long Awaited Call... |
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By: Michael Lobmeyer Country: Korea |
| My wife Kathy and I had been waiting for our referral of a baby from Korea. We started the process with our application in July 2003. We called Cathy Danowski on several occasions regarding the status of our paperwork. Cathy always politely gave us the answer we did not want to hear. She told us things were moving along well and our paperwork had been submitted to the proper personnel. We already adopted a son from Korea who is now 2 years old and knew the process so we thought we would get the new referral according to that timeline. The new referral is not predictable …so we waited and waited.
My wife, Kathy, felt quite disappointed at not getting an exact time line as to when our baby’s referral would arrive. I kept assuring her that the call from New Beginnings would come soon. The telephone call that we had been waiting for happened. Cathy Danowski called on August 10, 2004 at 3:25 p.m. I picked up the phone and said “hello.” Upon listening to the sound of the first couple of words, I knew right away who was on the other end of the telephone and the meaning of the intended message. Cathy asked if Michael or Kathy was home. Without a doubt I knew who was calling. I replied, “I am so happy! Thank you so very much.” Upon getting a grasp of my emotions, I listened to Cathy’s message. “You are going to get a healthy boy who was born on June 24, 2004.” I was so happy and thanked her for the work that she had put into making this adoption possible. I thanked her and immediately called my wife. I told Kathy the referral was in and we have a boy! She cried with happiness and I yelled with joy. Kathy and I agreed that she would leave work and go to the agency and look at the referral picture and then call me with the information. I tried to wait patiently by the telephone for her to call and read to me the referral information. However, I called Kathy twice before she got to the agency. While I was waiting I explained to our son, Michael Jae-Yeon, that he had a little brother. We celebrated by singing Happy Birthday. It was such a great day! Kathy called and read me the entire referral information. Our new son, Sean Joo-Seong, was healthy. His name means “Bright Saint.” I felt so blessed to have another son. Kathy was so happy she was crying again. When Kathy arrived home we read the referral again and I got to see my son’s face for the first time. When I looked at Sean Joo-Seong’s face I knew he was meant to be my son. I immediately connected with him and I fell in love. Just like any other new father, I immediately started calling everyone about our good news. It was a wonderful day! |
A First Glance at Her “Large Brown Eyes” |
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By: Brian Aldous |
| We received our baby Monday, August 9th in a two hour madness at the Chonquing Municipality Registry of Marriages and Adoptions, which is exactly what it sounds like: a crowded office on the 4th floor of a nondescript building. Our bus stopped in front of the building, and our anxiety increased a bit as we edged past the fruit market, that spilled out of the building, onto the sidewalk, up a narrow hallway and past a security guard who paid us no mind at all. I held the elevator door as our seven families took turns crowding into the tiny cab, which turned out to be a mistake, since we were first in alphabetical order. This meant that our local guide, Frederick, was looking for us as the elevator opened. Our New Beginnings guide, Guilan, spotted me and called out “Mr. Brian!” and my wife Mary and I squeezed through the vestibule.
Someone I never saw thrust Wan FuChun into my arms immediately on my walking through the door. I held this child and looked into her large brown eyes staring back into mine. She then managed to fall asleep in my arms while chaos reigned about her. As she slept, I looked at her and felt that this was the little face from the pictures given to us at the time of the assignment, but she somehow seemed much larger. Well, I thought, if she is willing to entrust her sleep to this stranger’s arms, the least I could do is care for, cherish and love her forever. When Mary finished dealing with some of the paperwork, I asked her if she wanted to hold her but she told me not to be silly. “Let her sleep. We have a whole life to hold her in.” One of the caretakers rattled off all the answers she could in the limited time available to every anxious new parent’s questions, as repeated by our translator. At one point the 6 year old in our party slipped and banged her face on a glass table. The nurse from the orphanage immediately walked away from the group and went in search of some ice, returning quickly with a paper wrapped popsicle which she applied to the girl's blackening eye. She then returned the group and all of their endless questions. What a warm feeling it was to know that our children had been in the hands of such caring people. Now we are getting to know our daughter, Margaret FuChun. She is learning to trust us and our care for her. She is strong, healthy, has a smile filled with beautiful teeth and wants to walk everywhere, a welcome trait in a Manhattanite. |
How Can We Help Our Children? |
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By: Deborah Ratner |
| Support groups have had such a positive influence on our society. They have allowed individuals to gather strength from knowing that they are not alone with the feelings they have on a particular topic. The wonderful thing about these groups is that they can reach any age group with any issue.
Where is this leading you may ask. New Beginnings has always strived to provide necessary and appropriate workshops and support groups for our families when a need or desire has been identified. As we have done in the past, we would like to bring together adopted children for the purposes of providing them with a support group type setting. This is invaluable to the children, as it allows them to candidly speak about their feelings regarding their adoption with other children who have had similar experiences. They have the opportunity to express feelings, ask questions about birthparents, try to understand “why they were placed for adoption”, speak about how it feels to “look different” than either their family or community members, or discuss the difficulties they have been confronted with in school or with peers in general. As with all families, parents don’t always know everything their kids are thinking. Sometimes children don’t feel comfortable sharing certain information with their parents as they feel they might hurt them or upset them. This is a wonderful opportunity to allow them the space to discuss these thoughts. Consider the following thoughts: It is common for adoptees to think about their birthparents and wonder if they are alive, healthy, or impoverished. They wonder if they have any biological siblings and who they look like. They wonder if they will ever have the opportunity to meet them. They think about what it is like in their birthcountry. They wonder if they are the only ones having these feelings. They wonder if their parents will be upset if they knew they had all of these thoughts. New Beginnings will be introducing support groups for adoptive children. A notice will be going out to families with children in the appropriate age range (3rd through 6th graders) at the time of scheduling. If, however, you are interested, we would ask you to please contact Debbie Ratner at the agency (516-747-2204), Monday through Friday between 9am and 2pm. |